Abolish Mirrors and bring in the Gay Men!

During my stint at a water park, I saw some pretty horrific things. Things like flabby flesh, wild hair that carpeted the human body, manly body parts protruding in ways they shouldn't and little girls running around without their tops on. Aging men with bellies the size of a small moon would tramp around the park, and from the front, you could swear they weren't wearing any swimming trunks. A part of you wanted to go up and ask, "Sir, are you aware that Water Park policy states that you must be wearing a bathing suit?" And in your mind you can visualize their response. Their chunky arms reaching down below and hauling that moon up high enough to see that they are indeed wearing swimming trunks, or better put, swimming underwear. Why? What is the appeal of the speedo? Even young men in speedos is a bit discomforting. But old portly men in bathing suits? Pulease! Spare our eyes this horrific sight! Worse though, is when that same man is covered from head to foot in hair, much like Chewbacca, although nowhere near as flattering. At least Chewbacca's not supposed to be clothed. The women are worse though. For some reason, women's fat never seems to solidify like that of a mans. On occasion my eyes would be glued to a woman's stomach or exposed cleavage as they walked by and the skin would ripple with every jarring step. I was completely disgusted, yet such sights could not be avoided. The worst part is that these women would wear bikini's. The only excuse I can imagine for them is that they must be easier to squeeze into rather than a more flattering one piece. But seriously women! How can you be comfortable walking around under the hot sun all day completely exposed with your fat flapping so much you're creating your own wind patterns? I wondered constantly why they chose that particular suit? They had to have seen themselves in the changing room mirrors, there's no way to avoid them, inside or outside your cubicle. And yet they still buy it. Can some people be so blinded that they really don't see the horror they are inflicting on the rest of us? So I propose a solution. Abolish mirrors and bring in the gay men. Gay men tell it straight, just like it is. "Oh darling, pulease! You think you can pull that off? You've got fat spilling out in areas that even elephants don't have." So what I'd like to say is...with a few gay men in every changing room, we'll have fewer marshmellow's in bikinis and speedos.

Apple, the Hunger Enhancer

Imagine if you will, that it is sometime late afternoon, let's say, 3 or 4, much too late to have a full lunch and much too early to eat a substantial dinner, but just the right time to eat a small snack. You are not starving, but you know that you probably wont be eating dinner until later that night, due to some very important prearranged social engagements. Now, let's imagine that you are the age of a college student, so browsing through your cupboards takes all of fifteen seconds. What should one eat for a snack? Hmmm.... one could eat that granola bar, but no, you ate one just hours ago for lunch, and two in one day is fairly unhealthy. What about some pretzels? Ugh, no, those have been shoved in the back of the cupboard much to long and are too stale to enjoy. What about a cookie? That's worse than the granola bar dummy. Carrot sticks? What am I, a rabbit? Then wait, it hits you. A healthy, easily accessible snack presents itself in the form of a crimson gold orb. An apple. It's sheer brilliance. You only need one hand to devour said snack, and to top it off, it's a fruit, and therefore it is healthy! No unwanted calories and no unnecessary trip to the gym later that night. So you grasp said apple and sink your teeth into the crispy substance. It tastes like, well... it tastes like and apple. Luckily enough, it's a juicy one, and not mushy, like apples tend to be. Within minutes, you've made your way around the circumference of the apple and you come in contact with the core. The snack has disappeared quickly, but you're satisfied with your choice and decide to veg out on your computer until you need to be wherever it is that night. You're just settling into your groove when a noise like an angry lion rips through your stomach. You look down at the hidden organ in surprise. It couldn't have been more than a half hour ago that you ate that apple, and yet, you find yourself to be more hungry than when you started in on that crispy apple. How can this be? You think, Maybe it was a false alarm. So you ignore the first growl. But no, only seconds later another rumble shakes your inner organs like an aftershock of an earthquake. Is it possible that two false alarms have just occured? Is it all in your head? NO!!! The apple has made your hunger more real than it was before you ate it. That smart idea you had? Not so smart after all. Apples may be healthy, but they enhance the hunger you didn't think you had before, which leads you to rummaging through your bare cupboards again, searching for something that will take the edge off for just a few more hours until you can justify making dinner. That granola bar you passed on earlier, looking a lot better now. To heck with eating two in a day! And those stale pretzels you didn't want not 45 minutes ago? Maybe not so stale after all! You go into the apple thinking you're healthy. But an hour later, you've eaten an apple and whatever else you could get your hands on because that apple made the hunger trigger in your brain go off like mad.
So What I'd Like to Say is....
Apples are the fruit of the Devil.

Airport, Shmairport

Note to all who plan on using airplanes as a form of transportation:
Do Not Attempt to Check in Bags More Than 4 Hours Prior to Your Departure Time.
I speak, nay, write, out of experience. It is 11:17 am in Orlando, and I find myself in the Orlando Airport, awaiting the departure of my flight, at 4:20 pm. I knew I would be spending the day in the airport, because Disney kicks you out of your flat by 11:00 am, however, I figured I would be relatively unencumbered by baggage as I awaited takeoff.
Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting, thankfully not alone, in the airport, with ALL of my baggage, and we'll just say I have a decent amount of luggage, and we'll leave it at that. Suffice it to say, a day with Seville never fails to be an interesting misadventure. Thank goodness for computers and the internet. And I only have a half hour more to go before I can check my baggage on. Holla!

Ixnay on the Oppingstay

What I'd like to say is... if you order an ice cream on a cone, DO NOT ASK FOR TOPPINGS. Toppings include: sprinkles, cookie pieces, nuts of all types, hot fudge caramel and strawberry sauce, whipped cream and cherries.
Number one reason not to order toppings concerns the mental stability of the employee making it for you. They tend to tip over, and having to remake the same ice cream is a little bit of a blow to the self esteem, especially when the customer decides to take a tone and say, "Why can't you just put it in a cup too?" Let me remind you, that YOU are the one that asked for it in a cone. So who's the real dummy here?
The number two reason not to order a cone with sprinkles concerns the amount of ice cream you will end up with. We're a lot more liberal when you want a cup, and very conservative with a cone, mainly because we don't want to deal with the fiasco briefly described above.
The worst toppings to ask for: hot fudge, caramel, strawberry sauce and whipped cream.
Just a remainder. Cones have holes in the bottom of them! And not to mention the fact that ice cream is cold, and the sauces are hot, thus making it impossible for the sauce to remain stationary on top of the ice cream, which means that by the time we turn around to hand you your deliciously overpriced treat, the sauces are dripping all over our hands, and you, as in the customer, decide to reply to our best efforts with looks of disgust. If you could see the images I conjure up of me wiping that reply off your face with the treat YOU SPECIFICALLY ORDERED, you would never order toppings again.
We are not miracle workers. We cannot stop the sauce from dripping or the ice cream from falling under the heavy burden of unnecessary toppings any easier than we can stop Sir Isaac Newton's apple from falling and discovering that thing we call gravity.
So in conclusion, What I'd Like to Say is... If you want toppings, get a cup. It might not be edible, but if you're ordering toppings AND ice cream, you should try and cut back on unnecessary food items anyway.

Welcome. We'll never know if that hello is for me or for you. Although I guess it will come down to whether or not anyone decides to read my posts. One might be inclined to say that the bloggers bug has bitten me, and you have Brer Seville to thank for that. How long the irritation will last though, remains to be seen. It could be that those devoted enough to find and revisit my blog will be left with a thirst for more inane thoughts of my disparate mind. But as I said... that remains to be seen.